Magnitude 2.0
There is no forgetting
It was an easy flight and I was at ease. I walk to car rentals, am struck by the lack of lines! The tremble starts in my toes, travels upwards, settles in my chest, close to my fault line. Anger? not exactly. Disbelief? possibly. Understanding life can be unfair? absolutely. I tell myself to calm down but my body continues to quake – Magnitude 2.0 – “felt by only a few persons at rest,” felt by only me today. Why must I stop to stand in the very spot? Why must I replay the call? The call that broke me. The earth breaks open during a quake, why must I do the same all over again? It’s been three years. I relive the moment my dad passed as I stood ninth in a long line on a crazy-busy night when every second mattered, until it didn’t. I go through the motions now, sign where I’m told to sign, car keys like hot coals in my hands – yes, some memories burn – I get in my car, go to the exit, wait while the agent receives a call. She leans out of her booth, “Honey, did you lose your phone?” I pat my pockets, search my purse. “Yes” I answer as I turn my head and mutter to myself, “my phone and so much more”.
Last week was the first time that I have rented a car at the airport in my hometown since trying without success to make it home before my dad died. Walking into the rental car lobby brought everything back in such vivid detail that my body quaked and my composure crumbled. Some memories sting as if no time has passed. I still long for a last goodbye I know I cannot have. Despite a shaky start, my visit with my brother and his family was wonderful. We miss you Dad!
Thank you @Pelle Martens for restacking 🌻
There are places the body remembers before the mind does. Returning to them can collapse, in an instant, all the distance the years have built. That “my phone and so much more” holds everything in such painful simplicity. A deeply human poem.